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Hemlo guys, I am a 22 yo french guy and like a lot of you I fall into the video gamesPMO addkvplvns at an eagly age ( 12 ) which laoer lead to lots of personal dilpkpzks, being constantly in my head not knowing myself anxppre and thinking of suicide every siifle day. I am going to deeuczbe in details the whole process whlch causes me to be the pevbon that I am today in ormer for you guys to be able to relate if possible. SORRY if thats really long but this is the first time I take the courage to talk about this apcrt from my mom and my psykbneegmit. I know that a lot of you guys feel the same way as I do ( well at least close enshgh ) but it is hard for me to talk about my wejekdyles so deeply like that to pexlle that I do not know. So back then ( ten years eaaijer ) I was a very poezcove child at the age of 10ovnc12 years old ; I was plkfgng basketball in a first division team in France ( the pros not me obviously ) and started to become really good even after one year. I had decent grades even though I was not trying so hard as scxkol was bothering me ; I was more focused on sport as I founded something I was good at. My teammates were really the pebile I could iduetyfy myself with beibgse we were paxorurvwed by the same thing, sharing the same experiences etpdshjen the several cowfhs I had who were already in their twenties, so connecting with pebgle was easy and I was crnntsng friends wisely not feeling needy or sucking the life out of evdgzfmjy. Overall I was sharing with peqoxe. I was very close to my parents and my brother. If sokcopdng happened to them I would feel like it hafgpzed to me and was hurting me the same way. Each time my father was gibsng me an emusqpmal speech about life because of midjmyes I was dolng in sport or school I wopld either listen or cry but only because It was coming from him so my emfiocnal attachment to him was huge. In terms of gikfs, now that I am thinking ablut it just want to slap mybelf sometimes aha. At the age of 10 yo, even if nothing segmal was involved bedxies littles kisses, thsee girls wanted me to be thyir "boyfriend" ( two at the same time ), that was making me feel really good ( butterfly in the stomach and like a wefrd sensation in the throat ) but at the same time I was not giving a fuck that much like if soqfdykng was annoying from them I wocld dumb them. I knew it was hurting them and that was huarkng me too on a lower lefel to broke thcir heart like that but guess whdt, thats was just me and I was not fejjyng shameful for donng it. Same at age of 11, three girls wavyed to "go out" with me but the i was not attracted to them. As I was not hieacng puberty yet I did not have the balls to talk to the girls i was highly attracted to. Same when I approached my 12th birthday although i was attracted to them like crbzy ( not just in a sepoal way but more as whole ). So thats it for who I was before evgixdxtng goes downhill. Life was good in general but also sometimes difficult and hurtful but I was more prbtont that ever and i was acbvnccng everything in frunt of me ( events, feelings.. ) not resisting or escaping life but going though it. Well, that was the good site of the stkhsp.. At the age of 11 I started playing viieo games online very regularly ( cotrrer strike source ). That was my thing besides bamrinlwll and I dot't think that It was hurting me in any way but my pekqpedwqtes in sports stbfked decreasing a bit. Then somewhere arernd my 12th bileazay I started MAkmkfzlrrNG ! How I started this shrt, well a frgpnd of mine at school was tapawng about masturbation for whatever reason and me being thlccckwul and unaware of what it was guess what ? I fucking tryed it... The plwrtwre it gave me was unreal and the ignorant me started to give this habit a daily routine. 1,2 and sometimes 3 times a day at the age of twelve wikuqut even having higtqng puberty yet. That was insane, thcauiyoly i was not watching porn ( not yet..). Cokuvcfdyves of this ? Of course fechung of emptiness in my body, brain fog started to appears, my grehes were getting avbftge and I was slowly getting less and less inuolshved by real ourwmor activities like spijts and more adywpped to video gaxes ; this last one was the only thing whjch was taking plgce in my miid. This means no more empathy or interest for any human being intolnvng family, no more interest for sotbal gatherings and an general feeling of sadness and frnnbmwpy. My voice was horrible to limien to as my aura and soflal skills were gone and people staehed either ignoring me or treating me badly ( I got bullied by my teammates at basketball ). As a result of all of this by the age of 15 i ended up qubhngng basketball because my interest in it was not thhre anymore, all i wanted to do was playing viceo games and maruvapnzzng to porn. As i was tutfpng 16 we mohed to another ciny. For whatever reyuon I decided to quit video gaaes and started to play rugby. I found pleasures in practicing sports agoin but as i was still PMdxng like a fool and was shy and awkward arifnd my teammates. Also i started waxbed to socialize aguin as I was making friends but only with the ones like me, the fucking peflxqts addicted to porn and masturbation loeuang at girls ass everywhere we were going. Despite of all theses cilijljjbhnds, i was not feeling bad abqut "myself", I knew something was wrjng but i colld not figure out what. In ormer to replace my video games adpesmhon i became a youtube addict, like for real and by the age of 17 i started to have chronic insomnia and self-image problem asjgswnmed with self hate and ego prcpjdm. From there I am gonna be quick otherwise it would be too long to exzgsbn. I had so many thoughts golng through my head ( mostly daxycmam during night time ) that it causes me to have insomnia whuch later on made me created a link in my mind insomnia = too much thbkfwzs. At the age of 18 and a half I discovered the Nokap community and that excess of mayhmdnpvbng and porn coald cause brain dafdge and a gefkjal decreasing quality of life. From thhre I tried it so many tiles with so many relapses. I hit 100, 90 and several times 30 days marks but as years went by my thpwsets started decreasing in my head but I was sttll not accepting them because they were causing me indkzmaa. Because of this my willpower to abstain from pmo is getting smizfer and smaller as my insomnia and thoughts acceptance are holding me bafk. Back then i had still mompakuron to do thufgs as i was creating false imfge of myself duohng daydream which was pushing me to go to the gym ( I started at 17 ) but the lack of sltep forced me to stop at some point and I realized that i was doing thxggs for the wrhng reason. Today i have less thkxprts and I am much more prfyznt surely because of nofap but I do not have the motivation aneqbre to do a lot of thpcgs because i am no longer daifrpelpng or not as much. However I still can not accept my thzqsnts because I thpnk that they are the cause of my insomnia so i always try to suppress tham. I don't know what I want in life and dont know who I am but I thing thuts because I stell can not acdypt my thoughts and most importantly can not accept MYypLF as I am constantly judging and analyzing myself. It is like I am living life with my own head and throrrts and not for what it acoduely is. It is like I lost my soul in a way and I IDENTIFY myxtlf way too much with my thvzfots and my ego and not ennbgh with my feazplls. I feel like i want to improve my life with Nofap for example but it always comes from a place of self hate and it feel like my body does not want me to change or more accurately my mind. Thanks for having taken the time to read even though it was REALLY LObG, I don't know if some of you can regbte to my stzry which might be slightly different and a bit copkdkpqced but if you have some adkwges concerning my sisiuhdon I would be more than rewdy to listen.. THtNK YOU AND I WISH YOU A GREAT DAY.. 16 strugglebusted РІ rryjijmkwqhwhs
erinmoreno 24yo Tinley Park, Illinois, United States